WHAT YOU'VE LEARNT TO HIDE

Feb 23
Most #estateagents #realtors who hear they're too conciliatory, nod along and think: Yes, that's me. And they aren't even sure how to fix it. 

Here's the problem. You've been adapting your behavior for so long that the adaption no longer feels like adaption. It feels like you! You can't see what you've buried because you've been standing on top of it for years.

This post isn't about self-criticism; it's about excavation.

THE GRADUAL DISAPPEARING ACT 

Nobody decides one morning to be so agreeable. It happens in micro-adjustments, each perfectly reasonable in isolation. 

You hold back the honest feedback because the client seems fragile. You go along with the pricing strategy that you know is wrong because the argument today isn't worth it. You laugh at the joke you don't find funny. You agree with the market analysis that contradicts your own.

Each compromise is so small. And yet, compound interest works on self-erasure, the same way it works on debt. The bill arrives much later, and it's always larger than expected. 

THREE SIGNALS YOU'RE RUNNING ON HIDDEN MODE.
1.  You Don't Know What You Think Anymore.

When someone asks your genuine opinion - about a property, a pricing strategy, a client situation - you notice a delay.  Not because you're thinking. But because you're searching for the safe answer before you let yourself access the real one.

That delay is the gap between who you are and who you've been pretending to be.

2.  You Feel More Comfortable Presenting Than Conversing.

Presentations are scripted. They are rehearsed. They're performances you can control. Real conversation is unpredictable - it requires you to respond spontaneously and spontaneity is terrifying when you've forgotten who you spontaneously are.

3.  Positive Feedback Doesn't Land.

A client calls you exceptional. A colleague says they've never worked with anyone so professional. Your broker brags about your numbers at the team meeting. 

An inside? Nothing.  

This is one of the most revealing signals of all. When praise for your performance stops reaching you emotionally, it's because some part of you knows some part of the performance isn't really you. You can't receive a compliment that isn't addressed to your authentic identity. 


The Beliefs That Are Keeping You Small.

Behavior follows belief. Always. You don't hide yourself because you're weak or because you lack confidence. You hide yourself because somewhere along the way, you formed a belief that made hiding the logical thing to do. 

The problem with beliefs is that they feel like facts.That's what makes them so effective at running your behavior without your permission. 

THE FOUR BELIEFS THAT BUILT THE MASK.

Belief 1:  My job is to make people comfortable

On the surface this sounds like customer service. It's not. Real service sometimes requires you to say the difficult thing, deliver the honest assessment, or push back on a decision that will hurt your client.

When your primary directive is to keep people comfortable, you become unable to serve them well. You'll let them overprice. You'll let them walk away from the right offer. You'll smooth over the cracks in a deal that deserves scrutiny.

Comfort is not your product. Clarity is your product. Sometimes clarity is uncomfortable.

Belief 2: If they Don't Like Me, They Won't Hire Me

This one is almost universally held, and it contains a critical error. It conflates being liked with being trusted. They are not the same thing.

You can like someone and not trust them with your most significant financial transaction. You can find someone slightly irritating but still hire them because they clearly know what they're doing and won't tell you what you want to hear.

The agents with the most durable businesses aren't universally liked. They're deeply trusted by a specific group of people who value what those agents specifically are. 

Belief 3:  Conflict Means I've Done Something Wrong.

In real estate, friction is information. When a client pushes back on your advice - that's not failure. It's the beginning of an honest conversation.  When negotiations get tense, that's not a problem you caused - that's the nature of high-stakes negotiations.

But if you're learned that conflict means failure, you'll contort yourself endlessly to prevent it. You'll absorb unreasonable requests. You'll accept poor treatment. You'll change your professional recommendation based on the emotional temperature in the room.

Conflict avoidance at this level doesn't make you charming to work with. It makes you impossible to trust. Because clients eventually sense that your opinion is for sale. 

Belief 4:  The Real Me Isn't Enough

This is the one underneath all the others. And it didn't come from nowhere.

Someone, somewhere, a manager, a mentor, taught you that who you actually are requires modification before it's acceptable in a professional context. Maybe you were told you were too direct. Too quiet. Too intense. Too casual. 

And so you adjusted. And kept adjusting. And eventually the adjustments became your default. And the original got filed away somewhere under 'for personal use only.'

The deepest work in building an authentic brand isn't marketing. It's recovering the conviction that Who you are - unmodified - is actually the asset.

Rebuilding Worth That Doesn't Depend On The Deal.

Here's the trap most agents fall into when they start working on confidence: they try to build it from the outside, in. 

They read another book. They hire another coach. They redesign their brand. And for a while, it might work. But then a deal falls through. A listing doesn't sell. And suddenly the confidence evaporates - because it was never actually confidence. It was performance propped up by recent results. 

Real worth isn't built on your last transaction. It's built on your relationship with yourself. 
THE THREE PILLARS OF DURABLE SELF-WORTH

Pillar 1: Values Clarity

You cannot feel grounded if you do not know what you stand on. Most agents have vague notions of their values - honesty, client service, hard work - but vague values provide no traction when things get difficult. 

Specific values do. Courage is one of those specific values. Along with determination. Anyone looking for a realtor would be find those values appealing. Less so, perhaps, an agent that values fun or precision. 

When you specifically know what you stand for, every moment that you act in alignment with that - even in a small interaction - deposits something into your self-respect account. You stop being dependent on outcomes and start being anchored in self worth.

Pillar 2: Honest Self-Inventory

This is distinct from positive thinking.

Positive thinking says "tell yourself you're great until you believe it."  

Honest inventory says " look clearly at what you do well, with real evidence, and let that be enough."

Most agents can list their weaknesses immediately. Their strengths take longer and when they list them, there's usually a qualified - "I'm pretty good at..."

The modesty isn't humility. It's habitual self-diminishment. 

Pillar 3: Integrity Alignment

Integrity, in this context, doesn't mean moral virtue.  It means structural wholeness - when the version of you at work is the same as at home. When the things you say you value are reflected in your actual work.

Every misalignment costs. Not in a dramatic way - just in a slow, sustained drain on your sense of self. And every alignment you restore, however small, pays you back. 

SHOWING UP AS YOURSELF - AND GROWING YOUR BUSINESS.

There's a fear that runs through all of this work, and it sounds like this:
What if being myself costs me business?

It's a fair question. You've been told, implicitly or expressly, that the market rewards those who can work with anyone. That's only partially true and the downside is that to work with anyone, you have to, chameleon-like, change or hide your character to appeal to many. 

" I can do that." you reply.

Aside from the stress that comes from constant adaption, this strategy misses one vital aspect: you miss out on some best-fit clients. As you take on clients that truly aren't best-fit, those that are inevitably find someone else. 

WHERE THIS LEADS.

The work here isn't a technique. It will, at times, feel inconvenient and unsettling. That's because it's asking something more fundamental than most training asks.

It's asking you to decide that you are the asset - not the version that you've constructed for consumption, but the actual human being who walked into this industry with a specific sets of values, beliefs and convictions.

Nobody else can build The Brand You. Not a coach, not a template, not a better script. The only brand that compounds over time is the one that is recognizably, consistently and unmistakably you.

Thanks, as always, for reading.

Chris.



 










Created with